jmilholen87's Journal

Right, some of you may know that I go to Virginia Tech. If you've seen the news, then you know that this morning, about 22 people were confirmed to have been shot and killed (tho some sources are saying its 32). The biggest shooting on a school. Bigger then everything else. Yeah. I just wanted to get it out there that I'm ok. Far as I know, my friends are fine too. I wasnt near the place when the shooting started, so yeah. I'm fine, at least physically. I'm more then a lil moody, and shaken, but I'll be ok. So don't worry bout me. If you're gonna pray or anything like that, pray for those who aren't quite so lucky as me.

James

Well, after way too goddamn long, I'm back! A lil over a month ago, my laptop crashed on me. Had to send it in to get repaired. Every time the nice ppl at Toshiba ran a final test on it, they found something else wrong with it. All thats left of the laptop I sent in is the screen and the case. *sigh* Don't buy Toshiba, it ain't worth it.

Any who, while I was gone, all that really happened was I became single, and I turned 20. *Thinks* Yeah, that sums it up. Fun Fun.

yeah...well, normally ud figure with exams and what not, thats no surprise, right? well, its got nothing to do with exams. im not terribly worried about them at all really. things just...arent going quite the way i planed. big surprise, huh?

since hardly anyone reads this anyways, i got no worries bout this biting me in the ass: i aint talked to my girlfriend for about a week. im fairly sure why too: her job. she works in a store owned in part by her folks. they're pulling out soon, but, not till after teh chirstmas rush. she ends up working god awful hours there. throw in the fact that her back is in a bad way, and it makes for a bad deal. now, add in possibly carpal tunnel, and a few other nice surprises, and things just start to fall apart. she's getting home and still having to lots of chores around the house that her sister seemingly refuses to do (Even tho, from what ive heard, she's there most the day anyways. she;s 18, she can do some damn work). so, its getting to the point where my girlfriends just too exauhsted to stay up and talk to me. so, y not call her in the morning or something, or earlier in her day, right? slight complication: my girlfriend lives in australia: right now, its 7:30am here, and its 11:30 pm there. see where things get complicated? phone calls are just about out, cause they cost too much, skypes out, cause my gf cant find her microphone (her folks are moving, and packed it a way somewhere), so that leaves AIM/YIM/MSN. cept, she aint been on. she refuses to be on to talk to me if i get up before 7 my time (some nonsense about me needing my sleep), yet, for the past week, she aint been on, cause shes too tired to stay up that late. i know she gets online from time to time (things like devart posts) over the past week. so i figure ill send her emails and what not, just to say hi (i told her i would when she couldnt get on, and she said she;d like that), u figure tho, she could at least respond and let me know shes alive, right? nope. not a word. so im wondering, begining to have doubts. and i dont want that. i love this girl, with all my heart.and, im fairly sure she loves me too. seemed to be that way for the past 15 months now. really seemed that way while she was here with me in july...heck, i was planning on going over there to be with her in feburary, but thats been postponed till july. i wonder, i really do, if my girlfriend doubts ill come? if thats it maybe. or maybe im reading too much into it, and it really is a simple as it seems. god, i hope it is. im doubting my girlfriend, someone i trust with my life. im slipping into depression in the middle of exam week, with christmas around the bend, and im starting to get mad at my girlfriend. and conversly, im starting to wonder if somethings happened to her. is she hurt? but then ill see a nother dev art post, and be relieved and angery at the same time. and i dont like it. i dont want to be mad at her, or doubt her. i really dont want to be depressed. i love her. hell, shes made me happier then anyone else ever has. its gotten to the point where im thinking serioulsy of moving out there, living in a forgein country, to be with her.i know she wouldnt be able to live here in the states. she dont like it here, plus with all the health problems shes got, it would just cost too much for her. but shes afraid that if i move out there one day, id grow to resent her. the only way ill ever resent her, is if she looses faith in "us", and just deciedes to cut all ties.....thats what im truly afraid of i think...her just giving up, and never talking to me again...i think, more then anything else, that would tear me apart inside. there wouldnt be enough left of me to pick up and put in a matchbox if that happened....and thats why im getting depressed, i think. cause here i am, thinking about changing my whole life to be with this one girl, hell, thinking of asking her ot marry me (not that ive said a word about it to her yet), and now she dont say a word in a week. not one. im considering spending my life with her, and suddenly, its like ive been cut off.....this sucks. heh..so profound, right? i hate this. i just hate it. im getting upset for no reason. im getting depressed for no reason. i know inside that my girlfriends not on cause she's tired from work. thats got to be it. yet still, my mind wont shut the hell up. i trust her with all my heart (would i even consider asking her to marry me if i didnt?). and i have faith in her, so i dont know why i keep coming up with this stuff...i dunno what to do anymore...i should just quit school and fly out there. cept then both she and my mom would kill me.

*sighs* well, to whomever reads this, sorry for the rant. i just had to get it out of me. i do feel better now, and now that its all out there and said, i realize something: no one said love was ever gonna be easy. so, while it may suck at times, and while the lil angsty voice in my head is working overtime to make me feel bad,  i'll be ok. ill just think of the good times that ive had, and the ones that i will have, because i firmly believe there are more. too conclude, i guess im really not angry at my girlfriend at all, more at myself for letting it all get to me. heh...cess, if u do end up reading this somehow, forgive ur boyfriend for being a lil whiny and angsty, will ya?

right, will, first times the charm i guess. last nite, i get to bed, looking forward to sleeping in, a good way to start off my four day weekend, right? WRONG! At 2:30am, the fire alarm (which sounds like an air raid siren) goes off. Its cold, its raining, and its 2:30 am, and some sonofabitch pulls the alarm! I was (and am) so pissed off, that words fail me.

in other news, today is the first of four daays i dont have to work. w00t. gotta love fall break.